I was glued to the television last night (thanks to the crappy internet connection) because of this 2 hour special from the discovery channel - The Science of Sex Appeal. Briefly, Science says we are predisposed chemically away from long-term monogamy and pair bonding, but we can choose to use the tremendous power of our gigantic human brains to maintain our relationships.
To sum it up, the sexual attraction game consists of three parts: choosing a partner, keeping a partner, and building a nest together to raise children. The show talks about determining the most appealing body shape in the eyes of the opposite sex, to the effect of a person’s voice, what makes us fall in love, and eventually what keeps humans in love. Essentially, it all boils down to finding someone to mate with. When men was asked about their preferred body type, the researchers found that the ratio of 7 (waist) to 10 (hips) as the most preferred because it was the healthiest for carrying children. They let women smell men’s sweat at different periods in their cycle to show that women were most attracted to masculine males when they are ovulating, and the feminine looking ones when they're not. They also discussed dopamine, the drug released when we are in love, is what keeps us connected to our significant other.
Women tend to choose partners based on status or resources as a priority as illustrated by the research study. Groups of women, selected at random, were shown photos of similarly dressed men of equal attractiveness. Following a baseline numerical rating of attractiveness, later groups were shown the same pictures, but with an indication of social and economic status — five- or six-figure incomes. The attractiveness ratings rose or fell significantly in direct correlation to perceived income level.
The science of partner selection continues with human odor as a factor, which affects us on a subconscious level. It showed that couples can discern the special smell of their partners. "Eau de man" as what they call it, is a unique smell of every man. The effect of human odor cannot be controlled since no two people smell the same or have the same ‘HMC’, as it is called. There is an optimum match for HMC.
Women are generally repelled by men’s scent (except when they are within a day or two of ovulation); but men, when exposed to vaginal secretions, are consistently attracted. In experiments where men inhale low doses of artificial copulants, the attractiveness rating of women shown in pictures is higher. These copulants impair men’s ability to discriminate whether a woman is attractive or not. The scent prevents them from thinking clearly. The segment concluded that Odor helps us steer clear of relatives, and plays the evolutionary role of "incest avoidance".
Question is, with chemistry-inspired flirting, lust, and love all continuously active below our level of consciousness, can we maintain attraction to one partner? Attraction has many stages, beginning with a single biochemical jolt resulting in a change reaction. Anecdotal reports indicate the ‘first kiss’ is highly memorable in the attraction that builds (or fails to build). The abundant testosterone in saliva increases the sex drive.
Even more sex appeal chemistry influences occur through the dopamine triggered in our brains. Dopamine is the brain’s pleasure chemical that produces a high that can be addictive, energy producing, and exhilarating. Biochemistry shows the link between dopamine and testosterone with exhilaration and lust. But dopamine is not uniquely linked to sex appeal. The thrill of sports, bungee jumping for instance, can produce a dopamine rush. What about love?
Researchers set out to find the ‘brain in love’ through MRI scans of people viewing photos of a significant other and strangers. And they did. Brain activity rose and fell according to the attachment. But science confirms that it is having sex (not being in love) that makes us want more sex. We can be in love, and never have sex. Professionally, I understand that loving a spouse (partner) does not (necessarily) include sexual attraction or the desire to engage in sex.
According to Science of Sex Appeal, chemistry brings us together and drives us apart. We are biologically programmed to mate for life and most religions and cultures urge us to do so. Still, there are two primary paths of choice — stay together or have an unrestricted strategy and remain noncommittal. Newer research shows that women also seek sexual variety similarly to how we have stereotyped men as wanting to play the field.
Many of our unconscious preferences and behaviors are conditioned by our chemistry. Studies report that women find slightly feminized pictures of the same man more attractive when they are not ovulating. Married women are biologically driven to promiscuous behavior as reported by an experiment based on digital movies of the female participants dancing during a "girls’ night out." The women with long term partners and on their fertility cycles were the most provocative. This was concluded from movement and appearance analyzed through pixels and an estimated percentage of skin showing. These committed women sent out more sexual signals than the available ones. In contrast, other research pinpoints the role of the chemical oxcytocin in monogamy for women.
The science on sexual attraction claims that evolution prepares us to stay together just long enough to raise children. One study across 58 societies demonstrated a dual reproductive system going from pair bonding to straying at about the four-year mark in a relationship. The study conclusion: we are fundamentally built to stray. Does this mean that our exhilarating experience of early love is destined to be undermined by our inherent biology? Will we always fail at long-term love?
Science claims that the chemistry of passion, lust, and love bind us together for a limited period of time. Haven't most of us figured that out at a personal level? My observation is we already know we need to build for the future before the reality storm hits. Yet many of us neglect our marriages and relationships anyway. Over focus on careers or children, and overindulging in our selfish habits through individual use of time frequently lead to rampant neglect of our partners. Science help us?
The science here reminds me of the Three Little Pigs story. Early love and lust are like building a grass hut on a romantic island. Eventually, the wolf-like hurricanes of time and routine daily living blow it to smithereens. And even if we upgrade to sticks, we still gotta invest in mortar and bricks. What are the bricks and mortar of satisfying long-term pair bonding? How do we build a cooperative and monogamous alliance that lasts a lifetime?
Science of Sex Appeal suggests that our spirituality, life memories, and our children can become the building bricks for lifetime commitment. (I add that friendly roommate-like compatibility and economic convenience or necessity are common factors that prevent break-ups, while not necessarily firming up commitment.) But those commitments can remain shaky or shallow alliances without the intense love mortar. In this documentary, it is proposed that if you want to love longer than 10 years, you must build a mental chemistry of love.
There is scientific proof that we can remain in love with sustained intense romantic love that is stronger, deeper, and more complex than the explosion of early love. Studies of the MRI activity of a male subject in an intense, 24-year marital relationship showed that the ventral tegmental area of his brain still lights up. This brain region is active in early love. How do we utilize our brains to keep that region blazing with light?
Often, one partner may describe feelings of loving the other without being "in love." These conflicting emotions often signal doubts of whether their marriage or union should continue. How can they handle that? Of course, they may just stumble along without taking action, but they can also choose to break up the relationship or go to a counselor to build solutions.
Science teaches (as do therapists) that any novelty increases the dopamine level in our brains. We can constantly refuel with that wonderful pleasure chemical by bringing new challenges and experiences into our relationships. While this would seem to be a no-brainer, in my work, I see that many relationships suffer from neglect by failing to make that effort. People walk away from relationships or settle instead.
We are not at the mercy of our hormone clusters ebbing and flowing. The chemistry of sexual attraction may be beyond our control; however, the way we act in response is totally our choice. We have huge brains giving us the ability and opportunity to make deliberate decisions with our lives. Science informs that we can use our conscious minds to sustain our relationships. When we decide to do that, we can make everything else fall into place for us and value our families of creation.
The Science of Sex Appeal concluded with the optimistic promise that sexual attraction and chemistry do not dictate our actions or partner choices. Our brains give us the option to choose how to live our lives.
Consider how carefully crafted food marketing triggers our desire to eat. We can pass on eating. We have the ability to edit our food choices to create healthy bodies and, if needed, consult a nutritionist. And despite the science of the chemical triggers of sex appeal, we are capable of choices, which honor and create healthy emotional relationships. Exit the role of physical science and enter self-help, relationship coaching, and professional counseling. We can put our brains to work building our understanding and skills to achieve satisfying marriages and other types of long-term pair bonds.
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